Entertainment in Conversation

Recently a friend and I had an IM conversation that was too surreal not to share, see if you can sort it out:

DSCarmon: Mr. Guliani, what, in your opinion is the coolest frog in the world?

Mr. “Guiliani” : Frogs have suffered harshly since 9/11. It’s true that no frogs, in particular, were harmed during the 9/11 attacks; however thousands of people were killed. If not for my heroic efforts, it’s possible that even more people would have been killed or harmed on 9/11. Everyone who did not die on 9/11 owes their survival to my heroic efforts; and as it’s well known, people have a wide ranging effect on their environment. Many people who did not die on 9/11 have gone on to own or take care of frogs, or will someday have children who have pet frogs, and this is only possible due to the fact that they did not die on 9/11.

Please, make me president, I saved the world on 9/11.

DSCarmon: And what will you do to help endangered frogs that, perhaps, aren’t as cool?

Mr. “Guiliani” : If elected president, I vow to make sure that 9/11/2001 never happens again. Never again.

DSCarmon: What bills would you sign to ensure the public is educated about uncool frogs?

Mr. “Guiliani” : Remember that aside from being king of New York, the capital of the world, I am also the hero who saved the world on 9/11. It’s important to remember that, on 9/11, no one was talking about the frogs, and no one was thinking about them. However, as I was saving the world on 9/11, I was thinking about everyone and everything that would be affected, including frogs. I vow to stamp every frog that survived 9/11, thanks to me, with a small stamp, which will read “Survivor of 9/11, property of Rudy Giuliani”

DSCarmon: What if we protect the frogs too well, what then?

Mr. “Guiliani” : Some would say that 9/11 cannot be taken too lightly. I would agree – the events of 9/11 must never be forgotten. Not only frogs were affected by 9/11, but people as well, as well as other animals, plants, and even some of the more nearby planets. That is why I plan to stamp every person, building, plant, and nearby moon or planet with my patented 9/11 stamp, which reads “Survivor of 9/11, property of Rudy Giuliani”. In this way no one can forget 9/11, and 9/11/2001 can never happen again.

DSCarmon: And how would you, with your extensive experience in 9/11, defend this country from frog attack if you only had a $12.00 defense budget?

Mr. “Guiliani” : I think it’s important to remember that we have been attacked before, on 9/11. We have to take the fight TO those who committed 9/11. If I was facing the threat of another attack like 9/11, I would strike first, with nuclear weapons and alaskan oil.

This would cost us nothing – much less than 9/11 – because we already own nuclear weapons and alaskan oil, thus we don’t need to buy anything. In this way I will save the tax payers money, just like I saved their lives on 9/11

DSCarmon: You mentioned nearby planets earlier: What about space frogs? Are they a credible threat?

Mr. “Guiliani” : Prior to 9/11, I did not believe 9/11 was a threat – no one did. Who’s to say the same isn’t true today, even though 9/11 was years ago?

DSCarmon: So.. just to clarify:
You support defense spending for anti-space-frog programs?

Mr. “Guiliani” : I support all defense spending, as long as it pertains in some way to preventing future 9/11s. However, I do not support any other spending, as the constitution only authorizes the government to spend money if that money will be used to prevent 9/11.

DSCarmon: What about education spending? Should the federal goverment continue funding public schools where children are able to dissect frogs on an almost daily basis?

Mr. “Guiliani” : History books show that we had schools before 9/11, and they did not prevent 9/11. While it’s not certain that we can trust pre-9/11 books – how could you trust a book which does not mention 9/11 even once?? – it IS true that if those books are correct, schools and books did nothing to prevent 9/11. Therefore, in the post 9/11 world that I am emperor-god of, there will be no schools.

DSCarmon: Should you be elected, what sort of amphibian communication abilities do you bring to the office?

Mr. “Guiliani” : I will transmit a VERY clear message to those who would harm us, amphibian or otherwise: 9/11 will never happen again. On the other hand, for those on our side, I welcome all who would help us prevent future 9/11s, be they human, amphibian, robot, invisible angel that only I can see, alien, or human.

DSCarmon: Thank you for your time. One more question before we go:
What about Ducks?

Mr. “Guiliani” : 9/11